The ASSBANDIT Club
by GregTH. The Eleventh Espada
Summary: By gathering all the Bleach Villains, or at least the one's he can tolerate, Aizen has created the Aizen's Super Secret Brilliant Amazing Notorious Deadly Intelligent Tyrants's Club or The ASSBANDIT club for short, can they unite to finally defeat Ichigo?


_Yes, folks, It's another foray into Crack fics, but this one _isn't _a one-shot!_

_I was writing The Nueva Espada Chapter 13 and this idea just popped into my head_

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS _MAJOR _SPOILERS FOR THE NEW BLEACH MOVIE, BLEACH: HELL CHAPTER/BLEACH: THE HELL VERSE/BLEACH: JIGOKU-HEN AND SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR THE LOST SHINIGAMI REPRESENTATIVE ARC**

_If you realise that the idea is based off of LittleKuriboh's "Marik's evil council of doom" videos, congratulations, here's your diploma in "HUR DERP"_

_List of Villains:_

_Aizen_

_Sojiro Kusaka (Bleach Movie 2)_

_Shusuke Amagai_

_Muramasa_

_Shuren & Kokuto (Bleach Movie 4)_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Somewhere deep in the Desert of Hueco Mundo<strong>_

"All in attendance for the first meeting of Aizen's Super Secret Brilliant Amazing Notorious Deadly Intelligent Tyrants's Club or The A-S-S-B-A-N-D-I-T Club for short?"

"**Yes**"

"I did not agree to that name…" A white haired man scoffed angrily

"Well gentlemen, I'm glad to see you all came" Aizen declared as he took his seat at the round table, ignoring the earlier protest "Would anyone care for some tea?"

"Fuck that, I brought booze!" A man with purple tear drop tattoo's declared proudly, holding up a full Jack Daniel's bottle

"Yes, very good" Aizen stated before clearing his throat "Well now, It appears we have assembled all the Bleach Villains into one place, This night shall see the end of Kurosaki Ichigo and his Uber Hax Plotkai powers, now for the role call"

"Shusuke Amagai"

"'Sup Dawgs"

"Muramasa"

"Call me an Ulquiorra wannabe and you're dead"

"Sojiro Kusaka"

"I'm evil y'know"

"Shuren"

"Word to your mother"

"And Finally…Kok…Kokut….Ko…Kok" Aizen stuttered "How do you pronounce this? Koku….Kokonut?"

"It's Kokuto!" The White haired man snapped

"Yeah whatever, look I'm just gonna call you Bob, alright?"

"No! It's not al-"

"Silence Bob!" Aizen commanded "Meeting in progress"

…

"Is this it then?" Shuren asked

"Is what it?" Aizen asked

"I mean…is it just the six of us?"

"Yes well, some invitations seemed to have disappeared in the mail" Aizen said smoothly, somehow willing a cup of tea into existence

"Where are the Espada?" Shusuke asked

"Dead, don't you read the Manga?" Aizen scoffed before her took a sip of his tea

"Well, where's Grimmjow?" Shuren asked "They never showed him die"

"Grimmjow is not welcome here" Aizen stated "He is not a true villain, he is an Anti-Villain! The worst kind of Villain! He's a-"

"He turned you down didn't he?" Kokuto interrupted

"…N-No!" Aizen protested "He's an Anti-Villain, he gives us Villains a good name!"

"I'm not really a villain either" Shusuke stated as he raised his hand

"Of course you are!" Aizen snapped "You tried to kill Shigikune Genryusai Yamamoto and Ichigo Kurosaki!"

"I was just confused, I thought he had killed my father!"

"That's what they all say!" Aizen scoffed

"My father was murdered, y'know!" Amagai snapped

"You already used that excuse today to get the last donut, you can't use it again" Shuren said with a point of his finger

"Um…Isn't that Tsukishima guy supposed to be here?" Kusaka asked

"He is not welcome either"

"He's just pissy that Tsukishima took the main villain spot from him" Muramasa whispered to Kusaka

"Am not!" Aizen spluttered

"What about those Bount guys from season 4?" Shuren asked

"You mean the season that no one liked?"

"Good point"

"What about Ganryu from the first movie?" Shusuke asked

"You mean the movie that no one liked?"

"Good point"

"So great…" Kokuto sighed "I'm stuck here with Two purple haired guys, A filler villain who's not actually a villain, a Ulquiorra lookalike and some Pedophile with a god complex"

"How am I a Pedophile?" Aizen asked

"You've been stalking Ichigo since he was born" Kokuto counter argued

"He has a point" Shuren added

"Look, we didn't come here to talk about my sexual orientation" Aizen said a wave of his hand

"I did" Muramasa raised his hand

"Shut up"

"Aww…"

"What we came here to discuss is to defeat Ichigo Kurosaki once and for all!"

"I came because this is the only place in Hueco Mundo with a working bathroom" Kusaka said with a raised hand

"Are we gonna kill Ichigo? 'cause I'm totally on board for that" Kokuto stated with glee "I can even do it myself"

"Don't be so full of yourself Bob" Aizen stated before taking

"It's Kokuto and you're just jealous that I'm the first villain in Bleach to actually kill a good guy, three in fact!" Kokuto snapped "Granted…they got better, but I still killed them!"

"I killed Gin" Aizen countered

"Gin pretty much destroyed Rukia's mind on the bridge and sliced a young blond girl in half" Shuren added "How can be considered a good guy?"

"Because shut up"

"Well what you suggest" Kusaka asked "Are we going to play a children's card with him?"

"No, that would be silly" Aizen scoffed

"We should have motorcycles!" Shuren added

"Why?" Aizen asked

"…I like motorcycles" Shuren shrugged

"SWORD FIGHTS ON MOTORCYCLES!" Muramasa screamed

"We can fly, why do we need motorcycles?" Aizen scoffed again

"I Like Motorcycles, Motorcycles are cool" Kokuto defended Shuren

"I actually like the idea of a card game" Shusuke added

"You would" Aizen groaned

"Have we ruled out kicking him in the nuts?" Shuren asked

"What would that do?"

"It would hurt like a mother fucker" Shuren stated

"Is that _all _it would do?"

"…I could kick him twice"

"Yeah that's great" Aizen moaned, sarcasm dripping from his voice "What about you Bob, any ideas?"

"KOKUTO!"

"Yeah that's great, shaddup"

"Couldn't we just hack his e-mails?" Kusaka asked

…

"Why?" Aizen asked

"We could hack into his account and send messages like _LOL I R ICHIGO, I HAVE A SMALL PENIS _to all of his friend" Kusaka laughed

"What are you, five?" Kokuto scoffed

"Who asked you?" Kusaka snapped

"Yo Momma"

"Quiet you" Kusuka humphed

"You're just jealous that I have a backstory that makes sense instead of that _brought back to life by the Ouin _crap you have" Kokuto scoffed

"I like it"

...

"Wut" Kokuto said flatly as he turned to Aizen

"If we do that, Ichigo Kurosaki will be humiliated!" Aizen shouted in glee "He'll have no choice but to go into hiding and be out of her hair forever!"

…

"Again…Wut"

"Now then, Any more issues to address before we end this meeting?"

"Yeah Actually" Kokuto said as he raised his hand

"Yes, Bob?"

"Kokuto" he growled

"Gesundheit"

"Goddamn it" Kokuto grunted but asked his question anyway "I suggest we change out club name"

"Why? What do you have against the Aizen's Super Secret Brilliant Amazing Notorious Deadly Intelligent Tyrants's Club?"

"Aside from the fact that is tells people _exactly _what you are" Kokuto groaned "I suggest we change the name to something a little friendlier"

"You killed three of the main character's friends and one of his siblings, what do you know about friendly?" Shuren asked

"Your mom was friendly in bed"

"OHYOUSONUVA-"

"Very well" Aizen stated "What do you suggest we change it too?"

"Since we're trying to redeem ourselves, I suggest we go with a name that states that we are rising back up but that those above should still fear, So I suggest we become _The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation into Society"_ Kokuto stated proudly

"Um, one drawback with that…" Shuren said with a lift of his finger

"What?"

"The abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S"

…

"Is that really worse than what we have now?"

"Very much so"

"Meeting adjured" Aizen declared "Kokuto, Shuren, I am assigning you this task, I suggest you head to the nearest internet cafe to begin the hacking of Kurosaki Ichigo's e-mails"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Karakura Town<strong>_

"Damn it" Shuren shouted as he smacked the keyboard with his fist

"Another mochaccino sir?" the waiter asked

"Yes, make it snappy!" Shuren ordered as the waiter took away his empty cup

"You should lay off the coffee" Kokuto instructed as he too attempted to sign into Ichigo's e-mail

"What do you know?" Shuren snapped

"You may wanna stop drawing attention to us, Two Togabito trying to hack a 16 year old's e-mails using the computers in Starbucks in something that will _definitely be_ frowned upon"

"What do you know?" Shuren snapped before he glanced at Kokuto's computer screen "What the hell is that?"

"I-It's nothing!" Kokuto shouted

"You have a Facebook?" Shuren gasped "Why didn't you tell me, I'm sending you a friend invite!"

"Please…god no" Kokuto groaned quietly

_**"Sex Bomb Shuren" Would like to add you to his friends list**_

_**Accept - Decline**_

_"Oh god" Kokuto groaned mentally as he slammed his head into the keyboard, breaking it in two_

"Oh shit!" Kokuto gasped at the damage he had done "Quick lets go before anyone comes back!"

"What about my coffee?" Shuren asked as Kokuto began to drag him out of the the Starbucks

"I'll buy you some at another starbucks! There's like 40 of them on this street alone!" Kokuto snapped as he dragged Shuren out of the store

_"Were are the two men that were here?" _

"Oh shit!" Kokuto cursed "Shuren, let's-….Shuren?…Where are you?"

_"Hey! Somebody stop that guy!"_

_All of a sudden, Shuren ran out of the store, carrying a whole pot of coffee _

"Run Run Run!" Shuren shouted, Kokuto found it wise to follow

* * *

><p><em>The Next day, the front page of the Local newspaper read<em>

**_"Effeminate Purple haired male and his accomplice vandalise and rob Starbucks. making off with a full gallon of Coffee"_**

_Shuren was happy as long as he got his coffee _

_Kokuto found that the story made the front page somewhat depressing _

_**TO BE CONTINUED**_


End file.
